Baby Talk

I am happy to report that the realities of having a baby are starting to set in - and in a very jovial way - for me. With roughly four months to go until little Emilia Mae comes into our life, I am starting to talk more openly with friends and family about the birth, and my wife and I are both starting to do more in preparation for baby's arrival. This week I sent e-mail notices to my network of friends and associates, and it was nice to hear back from some old and dear friends. I am also starting to talk more about Emilia at work to my "office friends" here.

I've been very humbled and flattered by the number of people who have mentioned in e-mails that I will be a good father. I am sure for some this is a polite thing to say, but I know from others it is heart-felt and sincere. It's nice to have that reassurance because there are times when I am not sure I am ready for what lies ahead - will I be a good dad? Can I make the adjustments necessary for life with a newborn? Am I cut out for this? These thoughts do not occupy my time, but they creep in every now and again. For the most part, though, I am starting to get more and more excited about the reality of having a baby.

I think the baby will change me in a lot of positive ways. For starters, I know it will be "all about Emilia" when she is born, and that will actually be nice for me as it will force me to be humble again and caring again. It will force me to be less selfish. Suddenly work and commitments and fantasy football (wellll...maybe not fantasy football...) will become less important.

I can remember a time in college when I felt like life was ideal. For the first time I was happy with myself, with who I was and where I was going. This happiness resulted in self confidence - a feeling I had literally never had until then. Being comfortable with myself resulted in genuine friendships with people - where I felt like they knew me for who I was and I could know them for who they were. Suddenly I was less self-conscious. I no longer cared what others thought of me because I felt very comfortable with "me." And I don't just mean that as an "on the surface" comment. I mean deep down I liked who I was. I make the distinction because when you really like who you are, deep down, and for REAL, it actually becomes impossible for anyone to change your own perceptions of yourself. It didn't matter what other people thought of me. I was happy with me.

The result was that, for the first time maybe in my life, I felt like the spotlight wasn't on me. I felt "comfortable." During conversations I could just listen. I didn't have to try to stand out or get my words out. I could focus on getting to know someone else - maybe even help them know themselves better. Having that spotlight off of myself was freeing in so many ways.

Which brings me back to today and the arrival of Emilia Mae. So much in life has happened between college and now that, over time, I have sometimes felt "lost" with myself. Am I in the right career? Where does God and my faith life fit in? Am I being a good husband to my wife? Will I be a good father? Suddenly the spotlight was back on me, and I felt like I did in high school. Unsure of myself, clumsy, awkward, worried about what others were thinking or what they were going to say, worried about what life had in store for me. I was reverting and struggling with some old and hurtful feelings.

Slowly but surely, though, I am coming to terms with them. Slowly but surely I am finding myself again. Thinking about Emilia and knowing what sort of man and father I need to be for her has started getting me back into my college "zone," and I feel less worried about all the questions mentioned above. You can probably predict the pattern. Less worry results in a renewed sense of security and strength. With renewed strength comes confidence. And so on and so forth. I feel confident that the next four months will bring about internal "re-awakening" and maybe even renewal for me. Suddenly the spotlight will be off me and onto my daughter. God willing, she will grow up knowing her father for the man he really is. God willing, I can help her learn who God wants her to be, and to grow up with a real sense of self that will not be as easily torn apart and lead astray as mine was.

So hooray for Emilia Mae. And hooray for me!

Today should be a holiday

I almost feel bad for coming to work today. I have some things to do, but I find myself "distracted" by the fact that today is the non-waiver trading deadline in Major League Baseball. As such, I am literally monitoring about a dozen web sites to see if my beloved Cardinals will pull off the big trade for a bat or an arm that will take us to the World Series. So far, not much is happening. The Reds made some improvements for their bullpen via trade. Of course, the Yanks pulled off the Abreu deal yesterday. We'll see if that's enough to get them the wild card or the AL East.

In other news, I have a pretty big conversation coming up with my boss tomorrow. My wife and I have decided that she will stay at home come December when Emilia is born. I really think this is a good decision for us and our family, but it doesn't come without some internal concerns for me, especially with regard to finances. So in an effort to get a better sense for where my career is going at my current job, I am going to sit down with my boss tomorrow and see if he can shed some light on my future. We'll see how the conversation goes. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Erika and I are sorting through the chaos and confusion that surrounds a first child, and I think we are managing OK. We are closing in on a crib and furniture, and have some good plans in place for the Nursery. It can sometimes be overwhelming for us to try to manage what all we need for the baby and what all those things cost, but we are plowing through it as best we can.

Finally, I wanted to write about the fact that I am trying to motivate myself for a workout regimen. I need to lose about 30 pounds, and I would like to start lifting weights and gaining some muscle. I very much want to get into this, but it is difficult to find the time for it and to maintain the "balance" that is so critical in life. I want to spend time with my wife and friends, and I also need to work everyday. I also don't mind getting some sleep. But I am going to try to stuff another 30-45 minutes into the schedule for a workout. I'll keep writing about it and maybe that will motivate me. Or maybe hold me accountable. I'll keep you posted.

Go Cards!